“…and he got down on one knee… and asked me to change religion.”

Ok, so he didn’t actually, but how does that situation work? It’s a tricky thing when you can’t marry someone until you change religion but you’re not prepared to change your religion without some guarantee that they’ll actually marry you afterwards.

I feel I must also point out in writing this post that we have been together for SIX MONTHS. Remember when I said that this situation forces you to think about and talk about things you would never normally have to discuss at such an early point in the relationship? This is one of these times! There is no impending marriage nor any hope for a speedy proposal. I’m blogging hypothetically. (And maybe a teeny tiny bit seriously. What? I’m a girl, you know you’d do the same.)

So, the proposing/converting thing… In the most famously documented example of this situation (in Sex and the City…obviously) Charlotte converts about twenty minutes in to her relationship with Harry without any guarantee of a wedding and then within five minutes of converting when he doesn’t instantly propose, she leaves him because he hasn’t honoured her huge commitment by making one in return.

It’s a very tricky situation and a difficult one to balance. When you’ve dreamed all your life of a dramatic, surprise proposal, to know that the grand moment must be preceded by years of conversion courses sort of takes the ‘breathless disbelief’ I’d always hoped for out of the dream a little.

Would he have to ask me to convert before he could think about proposing? Or would he propose without knowing whether or not I was ready to convert and force me to make a decision before I was ready to? And if I converted before any guarantee of a proposal is there a possibility we’d never make it to the wedding? And I’d end up a different religion to the rest of my family and friends with the only Jewish community I knew being the one he belonged to. Would I still want to be Jewish if I couldn’t be with him? (Which raises a whole new set of questions about the reasons for converting but I seriously don’t have the headspace to think about that now!)

How do people deal with that situation normally? When is the right time to convert? Is any proposal ever really a surprise? Or is a surprise proposal normally a bad omen? If you’re not expecting it then surely you’re not planning for it and if you’re not planning for it then surely you don’t want it enough?

This situation is just a good, sensible way of cementing plans to avoid unpleasant surprises, right?

Oh god I’m never getting my breath-taking surprise proposal, am I?

*sigh*

xx

Is it really such a big deal?

It’s a question I’ve asked myself many times.

We’ve been dating for six months. It’s hardly time to be buying hats and making seating plans, but when you’re told you absolutely cannot marry the person you’re dating, it does give you a bit to think about.

When my boyfriend told me he couldn’t be with me long term unless I converted to Judaism, it was a bit of a kick in the guts. Does that mean there’s a time limit on our relationship? Does it mean we can date for a few years but as soon as it gets to marriage time he has to dump me and find a Jewish girl? Do I have to decide now whether or not I want to convert so I can decide whether or not it’s worth pursuing this relationship? It’s a quagmire of difficult questions and it forces you to think about and talk about things that really shouldn’t be plaguing such a new relationship.

When I asked google if it was really such a big deal for him to be dating me, the answer came back as a resounding YES.

One fellow blogger wrote:

When I was in high school, I went to a discussion my rabbi had about interdating…It was not at all what I thought it would be, it was not my rabbi voicing her views on things, but rather, a discussion about how parents felt about interdating… [I learned how] the parents of some of my classmates would react if they brought home a non-Jewish significant other. One parent said that they would cut their child off financially. Another said that they would just never accept the significant other.

askmoses.com tell us:

Common sense will tell you that it is foolish to date someone, invest all that time, money, energy, and feelings, when the relationship has an obvious dead end; you can’t get married.

No one would invest time, money, and energy in a client who they know could never purchase what they are trying to sell. You don’t begin a deal if you know it is impossible to close.

Find a nice Jewish girl to date, a girl that one day might be your nice Jewish wife.

It’s almost comical sometimes.

chabad.org says on the subject of whether it is ‘fair’ for a Jew to marry a non-Jew:

It’s simply not right

To be honest – in the plain sense of the word – one would not wish to drag another party into an alliance which is likely to be troubled. If there is true love between the two parties, one would certainly not wish to cause the other this pain, and would readily forgo the prospect of immediate and short-lived pleasure in order to spare the other the probable result. Otherwise the professed love is tinged by selfishness.

Should I marry a Jewess just because she is Jewish?

Many young people feel themselves pressured by their parents to marry a Jewish spouse… If a man finds himself with a choice between two women, one Jewish and one non-Jewish, should he marry the Jewish woman just because she is Jewish? The answer is a resounding “Yes!” Yes, because therein lies the potential for a truly Jewish marriage. If one is at least married to a Jew, there is more common ground and potential for growing in the same direction.

So basically, the internet tells me I will be ruining my boyfriend’s life if I marry him and after all that hassle it’ll only end in divorce anyway because a shared religion is the only true common-ground for a relationship.

Another interesting thing I noticed whilst googling the subject is the frequent use of the word ‘nice’ when describing Jewish girls. “Find a nice Jewish girl”… it came up on at least four or five different websites and seems to explicitly suggest that non-Jewish girls are not ‘nice’. Non-Jewish girls are players with loose morals and dark intentions who will quietly but effectively ruin your life….apparently.

See why this Shiksa needs help?? Now if only I knew which God I’m meant to ask for it…

x

Hello and Welcome!

What exactly is a Shiksa, and why does she need help?

The quote at the top of the page is swiped straight from Wikipedia and explains in a nutshell what I have found myself to be.

Shiksa usually refers to an attractive (stereotypically blonde) gentile woman or girl who might be a temptation to Jewish men or boys, e.g., for dating, intermarriage, etc……The shiksa obsesses many Jews: Rabbis see her as an intermarital threat to the survival of Judaism; parents fear that she will lure their sons away from family and faith.

After many years of considering myself to be rather acceptable girlfriend material (yet never seeming to find a man who agreed), I have finally found a rather wonderful man who thinks I’m a keeper. Excellent news, you’d think, however I have found myself in the rather unfamiliar position of being a distinctly undesirable girlfriend. Not so much in my boyfriend’s eyes (hello by the way boyfriend, I’m quite aware you’ve snooped me out and are reading this) but rather in the eyes of his entire family and community. Why? Because they’re Jewish and I am the quintessential blonde haired, non-Jewish Shiksa.

The situation is somewhat unfamiliar to me. In my naivety and limited experience I had never realised the drama involved with inter-dating and (god forbid…literally…) intermarriage in some religions. It came as quite a shock to me when my boyfriend confessed that of course his parents weren’t happy about us being together, they were positively unhappy about the entire situation, in fact he seemed almost surprised that I hadn’t realised that myself.

Having found myself floundering somewhat in this new and crappy situation, after a few months of emotional rollercoasters, rocketing between angry, sad and indignant, I have decided to blog it all out, in the hope of finding some perspective, some support, some information and maybe, hopefully, a kindred spirit. Someone who is or has been in my situation and can perhaps give me some advice on how exactly you’re meant to deal with it all.

There is of course the issue of conversion (not as ‘snap you fingers’ easy as it appears in Sex and the City) and the drama and turmoil that brings with it. It’s a subject which torments me daily and will definitely feature in the blog, and who knows, depending on how long it goes on for (the blog and the relationship I suppose…) you may find me blogging my way through a conversion…yikes.

Mostly this blog will feature the day to day issues of dating someone you’re not meant to be dating and the sometimes ridiculous, sometimes hilarious, always confusing situations and consequences it brings.

Stay tuned…….

x